I Need To Be Broken
by Piano Mirukoto
Summary: What happens to Alec in the aftermath of their split? Alec decides to break himself by not eating...is it too late for him? MALEC! R&R please!
1. Broken

Please review! I want to hear what you guys think! ~Piano

* * *

Alec Lightwood was depressed- there was no questioning that. He hadn't come out of the Institute since his and Magnus's breakup, and he could tell that his siblings were starting to worry. It was true that he was loosing weight quickly, and it was true that he had cried more in the past few weeks than he could remember ever crying before, but what did everyone expect? He missed Magnus more than he had first thought he would, and it was killing him. He missed feeling like he belonged…

The sound of his stomach's growling snapped Alec out of his reverie, and he pulled himself from the bed and shuffled his way into the bathroom. Alec stopped in front of the mirror and a whole new wave of disgust hit him. He was so _pathetic_- no wonder Magnus didn't want him! Alec choked on a sob and ran back to his room, slamming the door behind him. He didn't deserve to eat. Maybe that would be his punishment for being such a failure- he could starve himself. Alec buried his face in his pillow, his heart breaking a little more with each tear that fell.

* * *

Alec's door nudged open, Jace stepping inside quietly. He sat down on the edge of his stepbrother's bed, and sighed.

"Alec…" he began, "I'm worried about you. Every time I see you, you look more and more thin…you're beginning to look emaciated, Alec, you need to eat more."

Alec pulled himself into a sitting position, and glared at Jace. "I'm fine," he whispered.

Jace's eyes widened. "Alec, you're shaking! Have you eaten at all?"

Alec shook his head and lay back down. "I'm fine, Jace. I can't eat. I need to be perfect. I don't deserve to." Alec coughed, his vision slowly blurring. "You're fuzzy, Jace. Let me sleep."

Jace stood up slowly, and ran out the door. "Something's wrong with Alec!" he yelled. Much to his relief it was Isabelle who heard him, and she rushed into her brother's room.

"Alec!" she exclaimed, sitting down next to him. She placed her hand over his heart and gasped. His ribs were protruding. She helped his shirt off over his head, and covered her mouth with her hand. His stomach was sunken in, and every one of his bones stuck out. He was unbearably thin.

"Izzy…" Alec trailed off. He was so tired…

* * *

Jace had carried Alec into the infirmary, much to Alec's dismay. Jace couldn't believe how light Alec was- he weighed almost as little as Clary. He gently set Alec on a bed. Alec curled into a ball on his side, and shivered. He didn't deserve to be taken care of- why couldn't they just leave him _alone_?

"I called Mom- she said she'd try to be back as soon as possible, but she's at a Clave meeting- could be a while." Isabelle sighed. "We should get some fluids in him- he's probably dehydrated too. Be careful, though, I've heard anorexics can get heart attacks easily- he's so _thin_…"

"_I'm not anorexic._" Alec coughed, barely able to talk.

"Call Magnus," Jace suggested, staring worriedly at his step brother. "He'll know what to do. And Luke." Isabelle nodded, and Jace searched the cabinets for an IV bag. He was so _worried_.

"Alec, come on, you have to give me your arm." Alec buried his head in the pillow. Why wouldn't they understand? He had hurt Magnus, the only person he had ever truly loved, so he needed to hurt himself as well. "Alec, please. Please…I want you to get better. You have to let me help you."

He couldn't stand the pain in Jace's voice, couldn't stand knowing he was the cause of it. Alec closed his eyes, trying not to cry again, and held his arm out for Jace. He sighed apprehensively at the cool of the alcohol on his skin, and winced as the needle went into his vein. He was sorry that Jace had to go through this, had to help his broken brother when he had lost so much already. He was disgusted at himself.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm so glad Valentine taught me the fundamentals of medicine and treatments," Alec heard Jace mumble.

"Yeah," Isabelle agreed. "Magnus is on his way- I told him that Alec needed help- but he didn't sound too happy of it. Temperamental Warlock…"

Alec blacked out.

* * *

The next few hours were a blur. Alec somehow wound up on Magnus's lap on the hospital bed, but other than being there for Alec, there really wasn't much he could do. Luke and Clary came over, and brought a feeding tube. Alec buried his face in Magnus's shirt, crying.

"Magnus don't make them! I don't want to eat, please. I can't! I don't deserve to. I need to be broken!" Alec tried to yell, and Magnus wrapped his arms around the hysteric Shadowhunter. Alec protested, but he was weak and tired and eventually stopped thrashing. "Fine," he choked. "Fine. But Magnus, talk to me. Please talk to me. Tell me you love me. I'm scared, Magnus."

"I love you, Alec. I _never stopped loving you_." Magnus brushed Alec's hair from his blue eyes. Luke sighed sadly, and pushed the tube down Alec's throat. Alec's muscles tightened for a moment in discomfort, and Magnus kissed his forehead. "You're okay, love, you're okay. I promise you, you'll be okay."

Magnus was horrified that Alec had stopped eating all because of him. Now here they were again, Alec clinging onto Magnus like he was falling, which wasn't really saying much. Alec had lost so much weight, and he felt so weak, his grip was like a child's…it broke Magnus to see his Alec like that- wasting away to nothing, barely able to breathe, hooked up to drips trying to restore some of his strength. He was even being unwillingly fed through a _tube_, all because of him. Magnus sighed, thinking about why he had gotten mad at Alec…was it really worth breaking his heart over?

"Alec, I am so sorry…"

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Should I do another chapter? I *love* reviews! They make me ever so happy! Sorry if there are any mistakes! Thank you for reading xx


	2. I'm Sorry

Alec groaned, confused. Where was he?

And then he remembered. He was in the Institute's infirmary on one of those _uncomfortable_ beds, hooked up to- God forbid- a heart monitor and an IV drip. He growled, reaching to pull the wires off, when a cool hand caught his. _Magnus_. He had thought he was alone. "Don't," Magnus sighed. He sat down at the top of the bed, and Alec rested his head in the Warlock's lap. "Oh God," Magnus choked. "I didn't know if you'd be okay. Alec, you need to eat. You can't be tube fed forever."

Alec's eyes widened, and he brought his hand to his face- he had a new tube down his nose, replacing the one in his throat. "No…I don't deserve to. I can't. I need to break myself, so no one will ever try to fix me, so no one will ever hurt me again. People don't like broken things- they want perfect things- like you."

"I'm sorry, Alec. Why did you go back to Camille, though?"

"She gets it…" Alec sighed, blushing.

"Gets what?"

"What it's like loving you…she knew you. I wanted to hear about you."

"Oh Alec…I am so so sorry, I didn't know. I wish I would have listened to you. I am sorry, love."

"It's okay," Alec sighed. "I'm still broken, though. I love you, Magnus, but I don't deserve you. I'm broken."

"No, you're not. You are amazing. I love you. I'm sorry."

"Magnus, I hurt. Make the hurt go away."

"Eat."

"I don't deserve to."

"Love, I promise you, you do."

"No. I don't," Alec whispered. "_I have to be_ _broken_." His breaths were so shallow…he needed to eat- he wouldn't be okay otherwise. The blood they had taken from him last night showed that he was deteriorating, and Magnus was worried. If Alec died…Magnus shook that thought away. He wouldn't.

"I love you. Alec, if you don't eat, you won't get better. You need to get better." Magnus choked, leaning over and kissing Alec's forehead. His cat eyes glittered with tears, but he blinked them back. _You need to get better for me_.

* * *

Alec sighed at Magnus's kiss. He looked up into his eyes, and felt a pang- he could tell that Magnus was trying not to cry. He reached up and wiped away the lone tear that had escaped, trying not to be annoyed that an IV line was taped on the back of his hand. He didn't want to be here, in the infirmary. He didn't want people to be worried about him, especially not Magnus. He didn't deserve Magnus, and he knew that. Alec wanted to be back up in his room, alone. He didn't want to be force fed through a tube- he didn't want to be fed at all. He knew he didn't deserve to eat, didn't deserve to live, never mind what Magnus said. "I'm sorry," he breathed, apologizing for so many different things.

He was sorry that Magnus had to be here, worrying about him.

He was sorry that he wasn't good enough for anything.

He was, though, mainly sorry, for what he was planning on doing that night.


	3. Losing

Alec woke up at around 2 AM; Magnus was asleep in a chair at his bedside, and the Institute was silent. Alec sighed- should he do this, really?

_Yes. You aren't worth anything, _he told himself. Biting his lip, he pulled the chords from the heart monitor off his chest, the IV line from his hand, and the tube from his nose. He slowly stood up, feeling lightheaded, and stumbled out the door. He found his Steele, and etched a Strength rune on his shoulder. He felt refreshed, but he knew it would only last an hour at most.

_Better get moving_.

Alec stepped past Church, trying not to wake the irritable cat, and out the Institute's front door. He had to get away.

Alec walked down the dimly lit street and into the park. The chirping of thousands of crickets followed him as he came to the edge of the woods. His strength rune was already starting to wear off, which worried him. He had wanted to get at least a mile into the woods before dawn. He took off then, leaves crunching underneath his feet as he raced into the forest, deeper and deeper into the thicket.

_Go, go, go! _

* * *

Finally, Alec could run no more. He collapsed at the base of a tree, ashamed of his weakness. His head was pounding and his heart was racing. He felt awful, and had only made it about half as far as he had hoped. Alec contemplated drawing another rune, but his Steele was in his back pocket, and he was too tired to get it. He cursed himself angrily, tears dripping down his face, before he finally nodded off into a fitful sleep.

* * *

The morning light shone through the infirmary's windows, awakening Magnus. He glanced over at Alec-

Alec! He was gone.

Magnus jumped up in horror- Alec had taken the medical equipment off and had left!

"_You stupid Shadowhunter_!" he yelled angrily. He could get a heart attack, how could he be _so freaking stupid_? Magnus ran downstairs, blue sparks shooting from his fingertips. Jace was making breakfast, looking ruffled, and Isabelle was eating cereal, as perfectly groomed as ever. "He's gone! Your stupid brother is gone!"

Isabelle's eyes widened. "What?" she yelled, jumping up. Her bowl tipped and fell, splashing milk all over the kitchen. Church came and began to lap it up quickly.

Jace didn't look surprised. "What an idiot," he growled, pushing back his golden hair. "I bet he went into the woods. Ohmigosh, Alec. How dumb can you get?"

"Call Luke and Mom," Isabelle yelled frantically. "He could be _dead_!"

Magnus gasped. "Don't say that! Let's go find him!"


	4. Finding Alec

**Hello, my beautiful readers! Thank you all for the lovely reviews! This chapter is one of the shorter ones, but is necessary to take this story to the major MALEC I will be adding soon! Please tell me what you think! I am always open to suggestions! R&R! ~Piano**

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Finding Alec was easy enough. Jace had been right- Alec had gotten about half a mile into the woods and had collapsed at the base of a tree. Magnus's heart broke, seeing his love lying there like that. If it weren't for the small movement of his chest as he breathed, Magnus would have thought Alec was dead.

"Luke's back at the Institute," Isabelle said when Magnus lifted Alec. Magnus nodded numbly. Alec hadn't woken. They drove back to the Institute in Eric's van, which Simon had brought over earlier that morning.

Magnus brought Alec back upstairs into the infirmary. Luke was waiting there, and Magnus climbed onto the bed with Alec. He watched as Luke drew some more blood from Alec, and waited anxiously for the results.

"He's gotten worse," Luke sighed. "All that running has taken a toll on Alec. It's going to be harder to fix him."

Alec shifted, his beautiful blue eyes opening. His expression crumpled when he realized he was back. "Magnus, no! Don't let them fix me. Don't let them! Take me back! No!" Alec was hysterical. Magnus looked down sadly.

"I can't, love. I want you to get better. I know you don't want to, but you have to. I'm sorry." He hugged the Shadowhunter as Luke put the feeding tube back down Alec's nose. Alec fought him, but Magnus was stronger.

"No!" Alec managed. He didn't want to be fed. He wanted to leave. No one would listen to him!

"Oh, Alec," Isabelle begged. "You'll be okay. Please try to get better."

Alec turned his face away. He didn't want anyone to see him, not like he was. Isabelle sighed and left the room. Luke stayed for a bit longer, reattaching Alec's IV and heart monitor. Alec didn't fight him this time. He just laid there, his face turned into Magnus's shirt. Magnus watched Alec sadly. He didn't like seeing him in so much pain. Luke eventually went downstairs, leaving the two alone.

"Alec, we need to talk."


	5. Talk To Me

"Alec, we need to talk."

Alec shook his head, keeping his face hidden.

"Alec," Magnus lifted Alec's chin.

"No!" yelped Alec. "Don't look at me!"

Magnus sighed. "Why not, love? You're beautiful."

"No, I'm not. I'm not even pretty."

"Alec, each time I look at you, I get butterflies in my stomach. You are _gorgeous_, Alec. You have the most beautiful blue eyes, too. Don't say that you aren't pretty."

Alec looked up at Magnus. "I'm sorry," he sighed.

Magnus shook his head. "But you still don't believe me. That's okay. In time."

"I'm broken, Magnus. I don't deserve you. I'm all broken. I'm like the egg in that one Mundie story, the one with the horses, you know. He fell and got broken, and no one could fix him. No one will be able to fix me. I'll always be a screw up." Alec's voice broke.

"No," Magnus growled. "Don't say that! You are _not a screw up_. I love you, Alec, with all my heart. I am _so sorry_. I am sorry that I didn't listen to you."

"That's okay. You deserve to be mad. The fact that I even contemplated it…I'm the one who should be sorry." Alec winced.

"Are you okay?" Magnus asked worriedly.

"Yeah, I just hurt sometimes. It's my fault, though, and that's okay. I kind of like the pain…it is distracting."

"Do you want me to get Luke?"

"No! Ugh, no. I don't need pain meds or help."

"Alec, they'll make you feel better. Are you hungry? Want to try to actually _eat_ something?"

"No, Magnus, I am purposely not eating. I do not want to eat. I want to be broken."

"Alec…" Magnus blinked back tears. "Alec, if you don't eat, you won't be okay. You are dying, Alec, you are killing yourself by not eating."

"So what? Who will care if I die? The earth will be rid of one more gay kid, big whoop."

"_Alexander Lightwood_!" Magnus roared. "Do not say that. Not only will _I_ care, but I will _die_ myself. I don't want to live in a world where there is no you. You are my lifeline. _Stay with me_."

"You really do love me?"

"Yes. You are my one and only love."

Alec tried to smile. He was in so much pain, though, and it was difficult. "I love you, too."

"Good."

"Am I going to die?"

"Everyone dies."

"I mean soon. Because of my not eating."

"Not if you start to eat again."

Alec sighed. "Okay," he said. "I'll eat. If it means you'll be happy. Not right now, but I'll try to later. I haven't eaten in so long, the thought makes me sick." Alec grimaced.

"Thank you. God, thank you." Magnus broke down and cried.

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**Next chapter will contain more MALEC! And will Alec go through with what he said? Tell me what you think! ~Piano xx**


	6. Trying

** Sorry for the wait, I've had a bit of writer's block! This chapter is super long, though, as an apology. Am I forgiven? xx ~Piano**

* * *

Alec stared at the apple before him. He didn't want to eat, but he had promised Magnus he would. Alec looked at the Warlock worriedly: "Magnus, I'm scared," he whispered. "I haven't actually eaten in so long, what if I get sick?"

"You'll be fine," Magnus soothed. Alec nodded.

"Magnus, would you mind…?"

"Leaving? Sure, I'll be downstairs if you need me."

"I'm sorry," Alec looked down in embarrassment.

"That's okay, I love you." Magnus kissed the Shadowhunter and walked out the infirmary door, quietly closing the door behind him. Alec turned his attention back to the apple, and he picked it up. He gingerly took a bite, and felt instantly sick. Alec winced, waiting for the nausea to pass. He slowly stood up and walked to the window next to the bed. He was glad it was already open- he didn't think he'd have been able to open it on his own. Alec chucked the apple out the window. It didn't go as far as he would have hoped, but he doubted anyone would see it.

Exhausted, Alec laid back down and fell instantly asleep.

* * *

Magnus looked at the clock- it had been twenty-seven minutes. He was getting paranoid. Isabelle was making lunch, and Jace was making Church annoyed. Magnus stood up and jogged back upstairs to the infirmary, only to find Alec sleeping. Magnus sighed, walking around the room. He still wasn't used to seeing Alec look so weak, and he couldn't forget that it was his fault Alec was in such a bad shape.

Alec shifted, and groaned, opening his eyes. "Magnus?" he called weakly. Magnus frowned; he had thought that eating that apple would have made Alec better, and was disappointed that it hadn't.

"I'm here," Magnus answered. He smiled and walked over to Alec, stroking his cheek. "How was that apple?"

Alec grimaced. "Good," he said.

"Good," Magnus smiled. "I love you."

"I know," Alec breathed.

* * *

Luke came back over that morning, but he wasn't alone. A young looking woman was following him. Her skin was a dark blue, and her hair, a snowy white. Magnus, preoccupied with Alec, didn't notice her at first. He was resting his chin on the side of Alec's bed, staring at the sleeping Shadowhunter.

"Hello, Magnus," the other Warlock said, sounding somewhat surprised.

Magnus looked up. "Nice to see you, Catarina." Magnus's brow furrowed. "Why are you here?"

"Alec needs an actual doctor," Luke sighed. "I know my fair share of medical remedies and treatments- the pack gets hurt all the time, how couldn't I- but my knowledge doesn't go far past taking blood and making soup. Catarina-" he nodded at the blue-skinned Warlock, "has offered to help."

"Thank you, Cat," sighed Magnus. Catarina nodded. Isabelle looked hopeful.

"Can you make him better?" she asked.

"I'll see what I can do. I can stabilize him, but I cannot do much more if he refuses to eat."

"He ate an apple yesterday," Magnus said.

"Could that be the same apple I almost stepped on while walking through the yard?" the Warlock woman sighed.

Magnus frowned: "_What?_" he yelled.

"Magnus?" Alec sighed, shifting. Magnus cursed; he hadn't meant to wake Alec up. Now that he was awake, though…

"Alec, did you eat that apple yesterday?" he growled.

"I…yeah." Alec looked guilty.

"You didn't." Magnus raked his fingers through his uncombed hair; he had slept beside Alec's bed and hadn't bothered to comb it.

"No, Mag, I'm so sorry, I took a bite but it made me feel sicker."

"Okay, well, Alec, my name is Catarina Loss, I am Magnus's friend. I am a nurse, Luke said you were sick and highly malnourished," Catarina addressed Alec, walking over to his bed. "Alec, can you sit up for me?"

Magnus stood, helping Alec into a sitting position. Alec sighed, exhausted. Catarina frowned. "When did you eat last?"

"I had a bite of an apple yesterday."

"And before that?"

Alec shrugged weakly. "A week ago I think I had some applesauce. I don't remember."

"Okay. That's nowhere near enough," Catarina shook her head. "Do you know what you are doing to yourself? You'll shut your whole body down. You'll get a heart attack. You'll die. You need to eat. Your body will reject the food for a bit, and that hurts I know, but you have to eat anyway." The Warlock busied herself with checking Alec's vital signs and drawing more blood. Alec watched sadly, not even flinching. He was scared, but he put on a brave face, at least while Catarina and Luke were watching. He was supposed to be the strong one. Catarina sighed. "I'll be back in a few hours to check on you, and I'll have your blood results in the morning." She turned to Magnus, "Could I speak to you in the hall?"

Magnus nodded, giving Alec's hand a squeeze, and followed Luke and Catarina out of the infirmary. Isabelle stayed beside her brother.

"Thank you," Luke nodded his gratitude and turned around, walking slowly.

"Magnus," Catarina turned abruptly to the worried Warlock besides her. "Alec loves you. He'll listen to you. Make sure he eats something. We can tube feed him, and that will keep him stable, but he is so malnourished right now that being stable isn't enough. He is in serious danger of dying; I know you are aware of that."

Magnus sighed. "I know. I'm trying to get him to eat. I am."

"I've seen the way he looks at you, Magnus. If anyone can make him understand, it's you. He loves you. Make him eat."

"I'm trying." Magnus shook his head. "I am."

Catarina nodded: "I know."

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**So...? Please review!**


	7. Sing To Me

**Sorry for the wait, and the shortness of this chapter. My Writer's Block is back, and I also haven't felt that great lately. A special thank you to HassleCastle for helping me! Oh, and I do not own any of Cassandra Claire's characters, or the song in this chapter, 'Nirvana' by Adam Lambert. If you have never heard the song, listen to it. It is beautiful. **

* * *

Alec called weakly for Magnus. It had been nine days since Catarina had first visited, and she had come back every day. Alec wasn't improving, as she had hoped he would. In fact, he was doing the opposite. Alec had tried to eat again that first day, but he had thrown it back up, and had bent over the toilet for ten minutes after, gagging, his stomach trying to get rid of something it didn't have. It was awful. Alec hadn't eaten since, he didn't want more disappointment. Magnus was worried sick; he never left Alec's side. Alec was dying.

"Magnus," Alec called weakly. Magnus was at the window, worrying. He turned when he heard Alec, and walked over. He climbed in the bed next to the Shadowhunter, and Alec rested his head on Magnus's chest. He was breathing hard, his face twisted in a mask of pain. "Magnus, it hurts. More than usual. Could you sing to me?"

Magnus was surprised. He hadn't ever sung before in front of Alec. "What?"

"Sing to me. Please." Alec gasped. His chest hurt so much.

"Um…okay," Magnus sighed, brushing the hair out of the shaking Shadowhunter's face, and began:

_"When the stars are too cold_  
_Frozen over the glow_  
_On the edge of the night_  
_We can be their light."_

Alec half smiled. "Your voice is beautiful."

_"So give me more than your touch_  
_And give yourself to the rush_  
_Just keep holding my hand_  
_As we're taking off_  
_I know where we'll land_

_We can escape to a higher plane_  
_In Nirvana stay_  
_Where the dreamers lay_  
_I'll lay you down lay you down_  
_Safe on a higher plane_  
_In Nirvana stay_  
_Where the dreamers lay_  
_I'll lay you down, lay you down."_

Alec's muscles tightened, and he whimpered. Magnus realized something, and he looked up at Alec's heart monitor- there was something wrong with his heart. It was beating irregularly. Magnus frowned, piecing everything together- Alec's chest pain, his shaking...two words screamed at him:

_Heart attack_.

* * *

**Sorry if it wasn't great, but I'm working on it ;) Review, please. I CRAVE reviews...lol!**


	8. Too Late

**So...?**

* * *

"Alec!" he gasped, jumping up. He ran to the door, screaming for help down the stairs. Racing back to Alec, he tried to comfort the Shadowhunter, murmuring to him. "You'll be okay, Love, everything will be okay."

Tears rolled down Alec's face, and Magnus glanced at the door; he heard footsteps. "Help!" he called, as Catarina came running in. Isabelle and Jace followed. "Alec is having a heart attack!"

Catarina gasped; this she had not expected. "I can't help him here! We have to get him to the hospital. Magnus, can you portal to there?"

Magnus nodded, quickly creating a portal. He sighed as Jace lifted his brother, pulling off the wires to the heart monitor and IV, and carried him through the portal. He heard Isabelle yell something about getting her mom, and she left.

The portal took them behind the hospital, and Catarina ushered them inside. She led them to a private room and instructed Jace to put Alec on the bed. Catarina left momentarily, and quickly returned with another doctor, a thin Werewolf man with curly brown hair and kind green eyes. He walked to the bed beside Alec, and started asking questions. Alec was only able to answer a few. He was breathing heavily, and Magnus fidgeted by the door, unsure of what to do. Jace looked equally as unsure.

The Werewolf took out his stethoscope, and frowned. "This isn't good," he murmured. He turned to Catarina: "Could you get the defibrillator?"

The blue skinned woman complied, and quickly fetched something Magnus figured was the defibrillator. He watched as the doctors pulled off Alec's navy blue shirt, and placed two pads on Alec's chest, one on each side of his heart. Magnus watched as they shocked Alec, and resisted yelling himself as Alec cried out. Magnus's eyes widened; the heart monitor had flatlined.

"What happened_? Why isn't his heart starting again_?" Magnus screamed. The Shadowhunter had gone unbearably limp, and Magnus rushed to his bedside.

The doctors exchanged worried looks. There wasn't anything else they could do, not if his heart refused to start. They tried to shock him again, but to no avail.

Magnus was horrified. He had thought they would have seventy, eighty, years together…not one…

Magnus clenched his teeth together. "Stand back," he instructed. "And glamour this room."

Blue sparks flew from his fingertips and he bent over his dead love. _I can save him_.

Magnus drew all of his strength, all of his love together, and pressed his hands over Alec's heart. The pads from the defibrillator and the monitor's wires flew off, and Alec's skin glowed blue.

_Come on, Magnus, come on come on come on! _

Magnus pushed harder.

Nothing happened.

He was too late.

Sobbing, Magnus jumped from the bed and ran out of the room. He couldn't take it.

* * *

Isabelle and Mayrse rushed into the hospital room. Mayrse knew what had happened before anyone told her. "My son!" she cried, collapsing in a heap by the door. Jace bent over her, but she couldn't be comforted.

"Wait, Mom!" Isabelle yelled, her hand on Alec's chest. "_He's alive_!"


	9. I Can't Take It Anymore

Magnus couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't. Alec was dead because of him.

_It's all your fault, you stupid Warlock. _

Magnus clenched his teeth together and rushed out of the hospital. A rush of warm air greeted him, and he felt tears trail down his cheeks. It was a beautiful day.

_Too beautiful of a day for my Alec to leave me. _

Magnus shook his head, glitter flying from his hair, and continued running. Magnus hurried home, not bothering to use a portal. He just ran. Chairman Meow was prowling around the kitchen irritably, and yowled when he saw Magnus walking in. He paid no attention to the Warlock's anguish, and wove between Magnus's legs, wanting food.

"No, you dumb cat, no!" Magnus growled, wiping away his tears. More soon replaced them, and Magnus knew that his makeup was ruined. He didn't care. Why would he care; what was there left to care for, now that Alec was dead?

_Nothing. _

Magnus collapsed on his glittery couch. He had lost others before, others who he thought he had loved, and he had hurt when they died, but it was nothing like this. He couldn't stop thinking about Alec- how he looked when he smiled, how sweet he was to Magnus, even though Magnus wasn't always the easiest to be friendly to, and-_God_- it hurt.

The Chairman, finally realizing that something had happened to the boy who wore black, strutted over to the couch and jumped up, dropping a wadded up shirt on Magnus's lap. Magnus bit his lap, and unfurled Alec's shirt. He curled himself around it- it still held that sweet boyish smell that Magnus always knew Alec to carry- until the last few weeks, when Alec had lost that smell with his sickness.

Magnus's chest tightened. He'd never see Alec smile again, or laugh, or be the cute little protective Shadowhunter whom he loved so much. Alec would never get to grow old or have a family all because of him.

Magnus wanted to die.


	10. We'll Be Alright

**I'm so soz! I have been...away *looks into the distance* Lol, well, we were moving my horse to a different barn to the winter, so I have been super stressed. My mare finally is settled in (as of today) so I had time to post this (: Yup. My toe is throbbing (and blue), but my horse is happy. Lol. I was stepped on. Anyway. As always, reviews are welcome, I KNOW some things may not be...correct...but do not go all ninja on me or anything..**

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Alec woke up in a panicked state. He jumped up from the bed, and looked around wildly. Mayrse jumped up and ran to her son, gasping at how thin he was. She held him in a tight hug, but pulled away moments after. She looked furious and relieved. It was a strange expression.

"Never scare me like that again! I can't loose you too!"

Alec looked ashamed. "I'm sorry," he said. He felt better than he had in a while. Alec's stomach growled. "I'm hungry," he whispered. He didn't know what else to say. Mayrse's expression softened.

"Okay. Let's get you something to eat."

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Alec stayed in bed for a week after Magnus had saved him. After that week, he was allowed to walk around a bit. Catarina was happy with Alec's progress. He had gotten way better, and although he was far from being at his normal weight. Magnus had truly saved him; he had healed him as well as making his heart start again.

He was worried about Magnus, though.

Magnus hadn't been to the hospital since Alec's 'death'. Every time Alec went to call him, he was taken immediately to voicemail, and he was never home when Isabelle went to find him. She had gone twice, both times all of the lights were off, and neither Magnus nor the cat was anywhere to be found.

Alec was worried, because Magnus still thought he was dead. Alec had totally flipped when Jace had told him. He had jumped out of bed, and had tried to pull the wires from his torso so he could leave. Jace had attempted to calm him, but Alec was frantic. He tried to leave, and Jace had to hold him back. Alec had screamed and cussed and eventually had to be sedated. Since then, he had done everything he was asked to, so he could get out of the hospital quickly. Alec hated being there; he hated having people worry about him, especially after what had happened to Max.

Alec left the hospital on the eleventh day's morning, although Catarina still insisted on "checking on him." He had asked Isabelle to bring him his clothes, and was thankful he no longer had to wear that wretched hospital gown, or the feeding tube for that matter.

...

Alec took a cab downtown, and got off at Magnus's apartment. All of the lights were off, and Alec frowned, hurrying inside. He trudged up the stairs, and rang the doorbell.

No one answered.

Alec growled and pressed his finger on the bell so it rang continuously, a shrill high-pitched cry, until he finally heard the Warlock yell on the other side: "It's open."

Letting himself in, Alec stood at the doorway, unsure of what to do. He tugged at his jacket sleeve self consciously, trying to hide the bulge that was his PIC line. Magnus was on his couch, surprisingly not wearing any glitter. He had on pajama pants with ducks, and Alec recognized his wrinkled blue shirt, and wondered why Magnus hadn't washed it.

"Mag?" called Alec softly. Magnus looked up. His eyes were brimmed with tears.

"No," Magnus buried his head in his arms. His voice was hoarse, and Alec felt a pang of guilt. "You can't be here. You're dead. I killed you."

"You saved me."

"I didn't. I tried to, but I couldn't." Magnus's voice broke, and he curled into a ball. Alec walked over, and pulled at Magnus. Magnus froze. He looked up, and Alec felt awful when he saw Magnus's eyes. They were red and puffy from crying, and he looked so…vulnerable. Alec wasn't used to seeing Magnus like that. He looked younger, like a child, afraid and lost and alone. "You're real," he choked, standing up. Magnus threw his arms around Alec's neck, and pressed his lips to Alec's.

Reluctantly pulling away, Magnus stared at Alec. He couldn't get enough of him, after thinking Alec was dead. Magnus had spent the week at Downworld bars, high or unconscious, trying to forget. He had remembered in blows, and had woken up sobbing, screaming for Alec. Someone had finally found him, and had brought him home last night. Magnus had been asleep and didn't know who to thank.

Alec looked good, he was on his feet after all, but he was still a stick. Magnus cleared his throat. "Have you been eating?" he asked, trying to look suspicious. He was so happy it was hard to do.

Alec nodded: "Yeah. You made me feel better. Thank you, I hated that feeding tube. And, you know, thank you for saving my life." Alec blushed.

"Are you in the 'all clear'?"

"Kind of. I don't have to stay in the hospital. I have a PIC line," Alec pulled up his sleeve. Magnus's brow furrowed. "I apparently still need meds and such."

"Ouch," he said sadly. It looked extremely painful. Magnus hated that Alec had to wear one.

"Yeah. It doesn't hurt that much anymore. Catarina still insists on 'keeping an eye on me', as she puts it." Alec pouted. "I'm eighteen; I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."

"You starved yourself."

Alec looked down, and fidgeted with his PIC line. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, hon. Never again, though."

"I won't."

"You'll be okay?"

"We'll be okay." Alec looked back up, his eyes meeting Magnus's. Alec pulled him into a soft kiss. He didn't know where their future would take them, or what it would hold, but he- _they_- were happy. And that, for that one moment, was all he needed.

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**R&R my lovely readers!**


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